Your child is happily playing on their own, then suddenly they are at your side, clinging and wanting a cuddle. Or you move in to comfort them after something hard, and they pull away. Moments like these can feel confusing. But your child is not being difficult. They are communicating a need in the way they know how.
The Circle of Security (COS) is a research-based framework that helps families make sense of these everyday moments. It offers a simple, compassionate way to understand behaviour through the lens of connection and relationship. Much of what we learn about parenting, we learned from being parented. The COS invites us to notice our patterns, pause, and respond with greater awareness and care, especially when old experiences are being activated.
At Learn for Life, Circle of Security principles guide the way we work with families every day. Here is what it is, and what it might open up for you.
THE FOUNDATION
What Is the Circle of Security?
Circle of Security is based on attachment theory, which explores how early relationships shape development, learning, and emotional wellbeing.
The “circle” represents two important needs children move between throughout the day:
- Exploring the world through play, learning, and independence
- Returning to a safe adult for comfort, connection, and support
As caregivers, our role is to support both parts of the circle by being available, responsive, and emotionally present. COS describes this as being Bigger, Stronger, Wiser, and Kinder. This means providing both warmth and boundaries so children feel safe, supported, and understood.
THE RESEARCH
Why Secure Attachment Matters
Research shows that secure relationships support nearly every area of a child’s development.
Children who feel emotionally safe are more likely to:
- regulate emotions more effectively
- build confidence and resilience
- develop positive relationships
- feel curious and willing to learn
- trust themselves and others
Secure attachment does not require perfect parenting. Children simply need caregivers who are “good enough” most of the time and willing to reconnect after hard moments.
KEY IDEAS
Circle of Security Language
The Circle of Security uses a handful of concepts that, once you know them, you will start noticing everywhere in your relationship with your child.
Delight in Me: Children need to feel valued simply for being themselves. Feeling genuinely enjoyed and welcomed helps build self-worth and connection.
Organise My Feelings: When children are overwhelmed, they need a calm adult beside them. Your regulated presence helps your child learn how to settle and feel safe again. This is called co-regulation.
Take Charge: Children feel safest when adults provide kind and consistent boundaries. Warmth and limits work together.
Being With: Sometimes children do not need us to fix their feelings. They simply need us to stay present with them while they work through them.
Shark Music: We all carry past experiences and worries that can affect how we respond to our children. Circle of Security encourages parents to notice these reactions with curiosity rather than judgement.
Cues and Miscues: Children do not always show their needs clearly. Sometimes behaviour that looks like pushing away, aggression, or defiance is actually a need for comfort, reassurance, or connection underneath.
HOW WE CAN HELP
Circle of Security in Our OT Sessions
At Learn for Life, we look beyond behaviour alone. We consider the relationship and emotional safety around the child, because children learn best when they feel safe, connected, and supported. We use Circle of Security principles to help families better understand what their child may be communicating underneath their behaviour.
In OT sessions, we support caregivers to:
- understand emotional cues and behaviour
- build co-regulation strategies
- strengthen connection and attachment
- support emotional regulation over time
FINAL WORDS
You Are Already Doing So Much
Circle of Security is not about being a perfect parent.
It is about staying curious, repairing after difficult moments, and continuing to show up for your child with connection and care.
Every time you respond with warmth, safety, and understanding, you are helping your child build their circle of security.
If you would like support understanding your child’s emotional needs and regulation, the team at Learn for Life would love to chat.