If you’ve ever noticed that asking your child to do something simple can sometimes trigger a big reaction, you’re not imagining it. For some children, especially those who are neurodivergent or experiencing high levels of anxiety, everyday requests and questions can feel like pressure, even when that’s the last thing you intend.
One small but meaningful shift in how you communicate can make a real difference. It’s called declarative language, and it’s something we draw on regularly at Learn for Life.
What Is Declarative Language?
Declarative language is a way of communicating that shares information, makes observations, or expresses thoughts and feelings, rather than directing, questioning, or demanding something.
Most of the language we use with children is imperative. It tells them what to do, asks them to answer, or expects an immediate response. This kind of language can trigger a stress response in some children, leading to refusal, shutdown, avoidance, or overwhelm, particularly for those with a Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) profile.
Declarative language works differently. It creates space. There’s no right answer required, no immediate action expected. The child can process the information and respond in their own time and on their own terms.
Why Does It Work?
When a child feels directed or questioned, their nervous system can interpret that as a demand, and for some children, demands trigger a genuine stress response. This isn’t defiance. It’s the nervous system doing its job of protecting the person from feeling controlled or overwhelmed.
For children with a PDA profile in particular, this stress response can be activated by even the most ordinary requests. “Put your shoes on,” “What do you want for lunch?” and “Come on, it’s time to go” can all register as threats to autonomy, even when they’re delivered calmly and kindly.
Declarative language bypasses that response by reducing the sense of pressure. It builds trust over time, preserves your child’s sense of autonomy, and invites them to think and problem-solve rather than simply comply.
It’s also worth saying that declarative language isn’t just useful for children with PDA profiles. It’s a genuinely effective communication approach for any child who is anxious, dysregulated, or finding a particular moment hard.
What Does It Look Like in Practice?
The shift from imperative to declarative language can feel subtle at first, but the difference in how it lands can be significant. Here are some common everyday scenarios to illustrate how this works.
Getting ready in the morning
| Instead of… | Try… |
|---|---|
| “Get dressed, we need to leave soon.” | “I’m noticing it’s nearly half past eight. I’m going to go find my keys.” |
| “Have you eaten your breakfast?” | “I’m pretty hungry this morning. I had my toast already.” |
| “Where are your shoes? We’re going to be late.” | “I wonder where those shoes ended up. I saw them near the door yesterday.” |
Transitions and leaving the house
| Instead of… | Try… |
|---|---|
| “Turn off the iPad, it’s time to go.” | “I’m thinking we’ll probably need to head off in about five minutes to get a good park.” |
| “Come on, let’s go. We’re going to miss it.” | “I’m starting to feel a little bit rushed. I might grab my bag and head to the car.” |
Mealtimes
| Instead of… | Try… |
|---|---|
| “Sit down and eat your dinner.” | “Dinner’s ready. I’m going to sit here, it smells pretty good tonight.” |
| “You need to try at least one bite.” | “I wasn’t sure about this one either, but I’m going to give it a go.” |
| “Drink your water.” | “I’m feeling a bit thirsty. I think I’ll have some water.” |
Homework and schoolwork
| Instead of… | Try… |
|---|---|
| “You need to do your reading now.” | “I noticed your reading book is on the table. It looked like it was getting to a good part.” |
| “Have you finished your homework?” | “I wonder if there’s anything you need to get done before tomorrow.” |
| “Come and sit down so we can do this together.” | “I’m going to sit at the table for a bit. You’re welcome to join me if you want.” |
When things are escalating
| Instead of… | Try… |
|---|---|
| “Calm down.” | “I can see something’s feeling really hard right now.” |
| “Stop crying and tell me what’s wrong.” | “I’m here. We don’t have to talk yet.” |
| “You need to go to your room.” | “I’m going to sit in the quiet room for a bit. It helps me feel better sometimes.” |
A Few Things to Keep in Mind
Switching to declarative language takes practice, and you won’t always get it right, especially when you’re tired, in a hurry, or already in the middle of a difficult moment. That’s completely okay.
Start small. Pick one part of the day, like the morning routine or the transition after school, and experiment with shifting your language in just that window. Notice what happens. Over time, it becomes more natural, and the cumulative effect on your child’s stress levels and your relationship can be significant.
It’s also worth knowing that declarative language is one tool, not a complete solution. For children with PDA profiles, a broader low-demand approach to daily life is usually needed, and this looks different for every family.
We’re Here to Help
If your child is experiencing significant demand avoidance, anxiety, or emotional dysregulation, you don’t have to figure it out alone. At Learn for Life, we support families to understand their child’s nervous system and find communication and environmental approaches that genuinely work for them.
If you’re based in Adelaide, get in touch with our team to find out more.