Your child is crying. Angry because the iPad’s been turned off. Devastated because plans have changed. Overwhelmed by noise, frustrated because something’s hard, or melting down over something that seems small.
As a parent, it can be hard to know what to do. Comfort them? Give space? Problem-solve? Set a boundary? Ignore it?
You don’t need the perfect response.
Research into emotion socialisation shows that the way parents respond to a child’s emotions shapes how that child learns to understand, express and regulate their own feelings over time. Morelen, Shaffer and Suveg (2016) looked at the relationship between mothers’ own emotion regulation, their responses to their children’s emotions, and children’s developing emotional regulation skills.
Their research identified supportive and unsupportive parenting responses to big feelings. Here’s what these can look like in everyday parenting.
Supportive responses: helping your child move through the emotion
1. Encourage emotional expression
Children need opportunities to experience and express emotion.
This might sound like:
“It’s okay to cry.”
“You can tell me how you’re feeling.”
“I can see you’re really angry.”
“I’m here. You don’t have to hide your feelings.”
This helps children learn that emotions are safe to experience and communicate. It doesn’t mean every behaviour is okay. We can accept the feeling while holding a boundary around unsafe behaviour: “It’s okay to be angry. I won’t let you hit.”
All feelings are allowed. Not all behaviours are allowed.
2. Comfort and connect
Sometimes children don’t need a solution. They need connection.
When a child is overwhelmed, their ability to think, communicate and problem-solve is reduced in the moment. A calm, supportive adult can offer co-regulation while their nervous system settles. This might look like:
- sitting beside them
- offering a cuddle, if they want one
- speaking calmly
- moving somewhere quieter
- offering water
- reducing demands
- simply saying, “I’m here.”
You don’t have to make the emotion disappear. You can help your child feel safe enough to move through it. Connect before you correct.
3. Help your child problem-solve
Once your child is calmer, help them work out what they need or what to try next.
“What could we do?”
“Would you like some help thinking of a solution?”
“Let’s work this out together.”
This helps children learn that difficult situations can sometimes be changed, repaired or approached differently. But don’t problem-solve too early. When your child is highly dysregulated, “let’s work out a solution” may be more than they can manage.
Connect → regulate → problem-solve.
“I know you’re really disappointed. Let’s sit together for a minute. When you’re ready, we can work out what we could do.”
Responses that can make emotional regulation harder
The research also identifies responses that tend to be less supportive. These are responses, not labels for parents. Every parent says the wrong thing sometimes, especially when tired, stressed or overwhelmed. The goal isn’t perfection. It’s awareness.
4. Minimising the emotion
This can sound like:
“It’s not a big deal.”
“You’re fine.”
“Stop crying.”
“You’re overreacting.”
“There’s nothing to be upset about.”
Something that feels small to us can feel very big to a child. When emotions are repeatedly minimised, children may start to believe their feelings aren’t important, or that they’re not supposed to feel this way.
Try acknowledging their experience instead:
“I can see you’re really disappointed.”
You don’t have to agree the situation is objectively a big problem. You’re simply saying, “I can see that this feels big to you.”
5. Punishing the emotion
Sometimes we try to stop difficult emotions because they’re uncomfortable for everyone. This might sound like:
“Stop crying or you’ll lose your iPad.”
“If you don’t calm down, you’re going to your room.”
Stopping the outward expression of an emotion doesn’t teach a child what to do with it instead. They may learn that showing their feelings gets them into trouble, rather than that they can have difficult feelings and manage them safely.
Boundaries still matter. Emotionally supportive parenting doesn’t mean allowing unsafe behaviour. You can be compassionate and firm:
“You are allowed to be angry. I won’t let you hit.”
“It’s okay to be disappointed. I’m not going to let you throw the toy.”
The boundary sits around the behaviour, not the feeling.
6. Becoming distressed by your child’s distress
Your child starts crying. You feel overwhelmed. Their distress increases, and yours does too. Soon everyone is dysregulated. This is completely human.
A parent’s own emotion dysregulation can be linked to more unsupportive emotion parenting and, in turn, to children’s emotion dysregulation. Children look to the adults around them for cues about whether a situation is safe, so staying relatively calm gives them an anchor.
You don’t have to be perfectly calm, though. If you lose your patience, you can repair:
“Mum was getting frustrated and raised her voice. I’m sorry. I’m going to take a breath and try again.”
Repair teaches children something important: big emotions happen, relationships can be repaired, and we can try again.
Space is not the same as withdrawal
“Ignore the behaviour” is common parenting advice, but it’s worth distinguishing between giving a child space and withdrawing connection.
Giving space might sound like:
“You’re upset. I’ll give you some space, but I’ll be right here when you need me.”
Emotionally withdrawing might sound like:
“I’m not talking to you until you stop crying.”
The difference is connection. Sometimes children genuinely need less interaction while they regulate, and that’s okay. You can have space without losing connection.
Distraction works best after acknowledgment
Distraction can be useful. If your child is overwhelmed, helping them shift attention, move their body or engage in a regulating activity can help.
“You’re really disappointed. Let’s have some water and sit somewhere quiet.”
But if we distract children every time they feel something uncomfortable, they get fewer chances to learn what their emotions feel like and what they need.
Acknowledge → then redirect.
“You’re really disappointed. Let’s have a little break, and when you’re ready we can talk about it.”
A simple framework for big feelings
You don’t need a script. When your child is having a big emotion, try thinking about five steps:
1. NOTICE — “I can see something is really hard right now.”
2. CONNECT — “I’m here with you.”
3. VALIDATE — “It makes sense that you’re disappointed.”
4. REGULATE — “Let’s help your body feel a little calmer.”
5. SOLVE — “When you’re ready, let’s work out what we can do.”
Not every situation needs every step. Sometimes your child needs connection. Sometimes they need space. Sometimes they need a solution. And sometimes they just need you to sit beside them while the feeling passes.
Feelings and behaviour are different
One of the most powerful messages we can give children is this: all feelings are allowed, not all behaviours are allowed.
Your child can be angry without hitting, frustrated without hurting someone, disappointed without throwing things, sad without needing to immediately cheer up.
Our goal isn’t to teach children not to have big feelings. It’s to help them learn: “I can have this feeling, communicate what I need, be supported through it, and find a safe way forward.”
You don’t have to get it right every time
Emotionally supportive parenting isn’t about responding perfectly to every meltdown. There will be days when you’re tired, days you say “Stop crying!”, days you need to walk away and take a breath. That’s okay.
Children learn through repeated experiences, not one perfect interaction. What matters is a pattern where your child experiences:
“My feelings are safe with you.”
“You will help me when things feel hard.”
“You will set boundaries while still accepting me.”
“We can repair when things don’t go well.”
That’s how we help children build the foundations for emotional regulation, communication and resilience.
At Learn for Life Occupational Therapy Services
Emotional regulation isn’t simply about teaching a child to “calm down.” A child’s regulation is shaped by their sensory needs, communication, environment, relationships, developmental skills and individual experiences.
Our paediatric occupational therapists work alongside children and families across Adelaide to understand what’s happening underneath the behaviour, and what support each child needs to thrive.
Learn for Life | Supporting children to thrive in learning and life.
Based on emotion socialisation research, including Morelen, D., Shaffer, A., & Suveg, C. (2016), “Maternal Emotion Regulation: Links to Emotion Parenting and Child Emotion Regulation.”